Wednesday, February 19, 2014

Bleed It Out

  I'm sad. I'm lonely. I know it's not "cool" to admit what you're feeling because we are' Mercans and we are supposed to be tough! Emotions are weak right? I don't have any friends. Not that ever want to talk or do anything with me. Sure I have a ton of people who will "like" what I post on facebook,but when I reach out and say "Hey. I'm sad and I'd really like to talk about it." Suddenly everyone has something else to do. When they're sad I'll try and reach out because I know how much it sucks to not have anyone to lean on. But when it comes time to repay the favor suddenly they have a cat picture to post or something like that.
    I understand. It's tough to console someone. No one wants to hear what someone else has to say. It's like Chuck Palahniuk once said "Everyone is just waiting for their turn to talk." That's my life in a nutshell. I know that everyone is just waiting for their turn to talk so I try to close down my thoughts when someone is talking to me and truly listen to what someone is saying. No one ever does that with me. They say "Hey this guys sad maybe I can dump my problems on him." Sure it makes you feel better,but my problems are still unresolved. Sometimes It's not something that even needs to be solved it's just something I need to talk about,to get off my chest. Sometimes that's all it takes to make me feel better. I guess that's why I like therapy so much. It's the one hour a week I can just dump everything. But the problem is I have a lot to dump and it may take more than an hour to do it. So while it helps it doesn't solve everything. I kind of feel bad for my therapist because she has to listen to my whining for an hour. The sad thing is I actually consider my therapist a friend. It isn't until I'm leaving and have to pay her that it hits me that she is just listening to me because I pay her.
   I do try and focus on the good things. But I'm such a negative dick that I even find minuses in the pluses. Like my podcast. It's fun and I have a great time doing it,but then I dig deeper and think how I'm really only doing it because I want to be someone that people want to talk to. I draw comics because I want to be someone that people want to talk to. I want people to say "He's someone." Because right now I'm not. I'm no one. I guess maybe I just think I am more important than I am. I don't really know. I don't think I'm better than anyone. But I do think I'm worse than most. So I guess I'm a walking contradiction.
    Well that's my rant. It is what it is. I know no one will read it so I don't mind putting it out there. Because really,who the hell am I?

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